Rainy Day

I’m on the fence about making this post right now, the website is very young and it would be best not to bring the mood down at all, but this morning I find myself watching “How to function as a depressed, solo game developer”. I had been saving watching the video for a rainy day, but today appears to be a rainy day.

Maybe it’s because I’m an “artist” or rather because I’m arty or something along those lines, or maybe it’s because I’m human… but sometimes I get overwhelmed with stress. I’m sure that I’m not unique in that experience, but it’s very easy to feel like you’re the only one that things go wrong for when you’re in that situation. I worry about things a lot, but I’ve learned that usually it’s only a week or so and then my mood is able to pick up and before I know it, everything’s dandy again.

I’m in a small down cycle right now. It’s actually very stressful for a workaholic (maybe more aptly put as a save-for-retirement-aholic) such as myself to have resigned from their source of income to pursue happiness. I now find myself carefully selecting the cheapest package of chicken in the grocery store and doing the calculations in my head to figure out which brand of toilet paper will cost the least per square of tissue. I also find myself worrying about the little things like “What if no one likes my game?”, “What if I can’t make this work?”, “Will there be a visual effects industry for me to return to?”,  but the reality of it?

I love working on my own projects.

One of my first job interviews, was at a gaming studio (that no longer exists) and I told the recruiter that I wasn’t going to be happy unless I got to do more than vfx there… that I wanted to help contribute to mechanics and plot design. Pretty bold for an interview as junior effects artist, no? Well… I don’t really know why I was so compelled to state that at the time, but it was true. I can’t remember whether or not I was offered a job, but I knew that I wasn’t going to have the sway that I wanted, and I decided to stop applying for work in games. I’m passionate about games and it was true, I wouldn’t be happy unless I got to do more than vfx. And so what was my solution? I applied to work in film. Which is kind of reasonable… I learned how to do vfx, and I like to think that I’m somewhat capable with that craft. But I’m definitely more passionate about games than film.  My past few jobs have paid the bills, and put me in parts of the world that I loved, but I was far too mercenary with my treatment of being employed. I felt that the projects weren’t my cup of tea, but they paid the bills and so I would work them, get my pay cheque, and get out of there.

When I was living in Vancouver, I worked on a project that I didn’t particularly care for, for a company that was going through it’s own bankruptcy, and I had to make a concerted effort to make the most of my spare time. I took martial arts classes, went rock climbing, on hikes, to parties, played video games, and most importantly I began to figure out -what do I want to do with my life-? And I came back to “making video games”. I started working on doing that and would often put 20 hours a week into game design while also doing the full time job. It’s fun, I love it, and I’m excited to get our first game out there so that you can see it, and hopefully have a fun time. I think as a creative person, one of the biggest things for me is to know that I’ve brought joy to other people’s lives.

That’s why I think I find it so disappointing how many visual effects houses and game – studios – fail. These are companies of people who want more than anything to just work on cool projects that will make people happy. These are people who are willing to underbid each other out of business because they desperately want to work on just one more project. They don’t really know how to run a profitable business, or properly stand up to their clients who seem to care more about lining their own pockets than setting up a mutually beneficial arrangement that will ensure both parties are able to continue producing work in the future. The gaming and film industry are both new kids on the block, and unfortunately both industries are going through growing pains right now. Hopefully there are some lessons to be learned in all of this. Maybe someone out there has it right?